Jesse's Perpetual Conniption Fit
My Axioms
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Here resides some of the fundamental phrazes and deliberations that define depict Jesse the person in my myriad complexities, and some other crap.

Belief 1:

If you can't say something nice, why not say something really bad? Having trouble coming up with the perfect degrading adjective or fitting a rhyming scheme? I put together a list, not yet complete by any means, of words beautifully suited for this purpose. Enjoy!

Rectal reaming, camel raping, ball licking, child molesting, war protesting, corpse humping, tub thumping, sign stealing, water retaining, bed wetting, cock smoking, canine sodomizing, orally doorknob polishing, choad sucking, scrotum licking, meat beating, crap eating, wife beating, fudge packing, Johnson whacking, oxygen hoarding, female whoring, terrorist loving, suppository shoving, orgasm feigning, unfortunately remaining, twenty-four-hour menstruating, conscientious objecting, monkey spanking, heart braking, anal invading, in need of castrating, player hating, with thumb up ass masturbating, will never be found mating, always faltering, drag-queen masquerading, forever flinching, until the end of time bungling, goat blowing, sperm sowing, handicap spot parking, Elian Gonzalez sympathizing, unassuming, condescending, nauseating, rude, crude, uncouth, repugnant, kitsch, loathsome, dickless, gutless, spineless, hopeless, brainless, mindless, pointless, heartless, fruitless, useless, reckless, helpless, worthless, tasteless, obtuse, monotonous, ravenous, pusillanimous, gluttonous, voracious, avaricious, covetous, injudicious, illogically pious, superfluous, surplus, penis envious, discourteous, contemptuous, cowardly, bastardly, craven, vain, tentative, anal retentive, ineffective, acquisitive, submissive, passive, unproductive, frail, pail, unprofessional, additional, fearful, unsuccessful, shameful, communist, feminist, evangelist, pacifist, incapable, sexually unable, foolish, amateurish, rash, Weak, meek, moronic, idiotic, nazi platonic, materialistic, pathetic, homophobic, neurotic, timid, stupid, dumb-shit, God damned, mother, insatiable, feeble, breakable, pliable, biddable, hypocritical, hypochondriacal, superficial, vile, judgmental, despicable, hesitant, redundant, complacent, imprudent, incompetent, impotent, compliant, obedient, half-witted, dumb-witted, dim-witted, fain-hearted, always the guy who just farted, retarded, discarded, heavy-handed, unskilled, ham-fisted, ill-advised, biased, bloated, unwanted, not needed, inexperienced, untrained, emaciated, should have been aborted, constipated, rancid, bad-mannered, foul-mouthed, tame, lame, smaller than the chunks in my stool, extra, most un-fly, leftover, spare, excess, lacking in finesse, whiny, bitchy, clumsy, flimsy, stinky, greedy, stingy, snobby, unnecessary, foolhardy, puny, scrawny, weedy, inept, inexpert, futile, docile, brittle, fragile, pedophilic,

Things that Annoy Me.

1. Why is Puerto Rico a part of the United States? They don't want to be, they don't want to speak English and they don't pay taxes. So I say let them join the league of useless countries south of Florida.

2. All the stupid variations of well known songs used in commericals to peddle products that I still don't care about.

3. In referance to Purdue in specific, but this could be applied almost anywhere, why is it that in parking lots that abide by a feudal hierarchy, all the "reserved 24 hour" spots are never used beyond 50% of the capacity?

4. Why do old people drive so slow? Shouldnt they be driving as fast as they possibly can because they don't have much time left?

more ranting to come...

Although it may seem irrevelant, there are 128 ounces in a gallon.

Phrazes of wisdom:

Wretched'um (not sure what we were talking about)

Copious amounts of anal sex (in referance to what it would take to make me stay until Saturday, for those who don't understand, this is a joke!)

destruct2.jpg

Upon accepting my own uncontested nomination for Supreme, All-Powerful, Godlike, Not-So-But-Some-What-Sometimes Benevolent, Feted , Superb, Wonderful, Splendid, Glorious, Brilliant, Outstanding, Bravura, Marvelous, Grand, Illustrious, Famous(you get the idea) Emperor of the known and unknown Universe, the following universal axioms will be set in place:

The (number I determine) Commandments:

1. All languages, especially French, shalt be ceased in favor of English.

2. Thou shalt not bear a pony-tail in conjunction with baldness.

3. The CD land commercial is hereon deemed a composition of terrorism.

4. You dont talk about Fight Club.

4. Thou shalt not sport tube-socks with flip-flops

5. Mullets wilt be considered a crime against humanity.

6. Those who feel 65 MPH is an appropriate interstate speed limit, shalt not drive.

7. Phat is not a word.

8. Life sucks, and then you die.

9. Women will be forbidden to menstruate, except at an undisclosed time and undisclosed location.

10. Sex will be limited to a hepta-centennial event, for most it this will be much less, but for me, much much more.

11. Killing people will still be considered cruel, but not unusual.

12. Anyone under the statue of 5 feet will be legally recognized as a midget, this includes children and people without legs.

13. Catering to women via pathetic lyrics and a synthesized backbeat (i.e. boy bands), will be considered treason against heterosexuality.

14. Holiday related commercials will be restricted to the month they occur.

15. Marijuana will be legalized, however, dog sweaters will not.

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clinton

At Jesse's Perpetual Conniption Fit, this is what you get for becoming senator of a state that I feel you don't feel any responsibility to.

Below is a tribute to the most horrific event of the new year. On February 5, 2002, my neighbor Jim was savagely locked out of his room, and what ensued can hardly be fathomed. What experts are calling Feminist Terrorists barricaded themselves in his room, and unimaginable happened. Every Playboy magasine in site was maliciously ripped to shreds and only bits of the victims could be recovered from under the door. The feminist terrorists would not allow Jim to see the ones he loved, his family. All witnesses could do was watch, wait and pray as the feminists continues to ravage the literature. Instead the murderious orgy of death continued for seemingly forever.
And just as fast as it began, it was over. They left their trail of destruction in their wake, and moved on to more lucrative targets, although there was significantly less destruction to nudy magasines after the initial attack.
We can only wait, hold our breaths and brace for impact in the event they strike again. Their motives are still largely unknown. Below we commemorate the victims of the unwarrented attack of February 5, and we sincerely hope in our hearts it will never occur again.

february5.jpg

Thoughts of the Inebriated Mind
(from 2am one morning fall 2001)
I
,m AM jESSE,. YOUI ARE NOT!

iF YOU 6TRY TO BE jESSE YOU WILL Fial!!!!!!!!!!!!
esapically ifd dyou are Kylw, because you aeree alreadyy with brook. no offense of cousre. If you wnt to disput theids, I will takwe you up on it, cause I a, the ,man! boooo waaaaaa.
The aprety was great. I just wannnnnted to say that. I didn;t see aLISGHA THERE, SO i guess you were right. I'm glad I didn'rt go to Thete tua beausde i ghot pretty fucvkec up at het apartment party qaanyeway. Soooooo, I hope things betweeen you andf brook work out goooddddddd, becuaew things for me have beeens sorta of mixed. , Diana kinda of comes and goes from time to I can't feeeeel me fingers, this its treaaaaaaly funn. Typing is kinda of harddddd. I was gonnnnnna knowk on your fdooor but I thought I might be interrrrupting something.. I think right now I'
'm ast at as 2 minute delay drinking thing. RThat means it tkaes me 3 seconds to focus on something, like Kyle'es headd fot insistnce. Brook looked very ggooood ytonight. I give her my prooops. It wouyld be great fiifffffffffff Paul wwas here, because he is reallllly funnnyyyyy. I feeeeeel dizzzty, but thats okay but I had fuun. I wonder if I should calllll diananazaanaaaa. becuaser she said she was goping out tongith tongihhr tonight, if shes likes me I wonder what I should doooo to find out.... Chris is trying to sleeeppppp so I should try to be quit. I am Jessssses Uopy aoree not!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone whos tryies to stop the op powerre of HJessee willl stand corrrecteddddd. So thererere. I feeeeel fprewtttyy wooooosy, sooo don't at take aything i say to heardt. Alisha is goood, burt I think I like Diannnna more, but of hewr straight hair,,, its very nice. Alisha has her bar and stufff, but Diananna is ehhere and she knows how to tLK TLAK TALK TO A HGAY guy, she akses akses askes for u your number which is goood. Bucause most girls willl not ofor or won't ask for your numbert becuase it isn't polite or something... I woyld ask fro her nukber but I was afraid that she had a boylfirnednd. I liked Marie, but I think she liked somomone one elseeee tooo. Nell was pretty goodddd but she is in Hawwwwaiii at thats rwalllly reallly far w away/ I wish I dad had someone who likec me like brooook likes kyle or camile life likes tim... but what aew are you gonnnna do? I am Jeeesssse. and being jessseeeee has its on w own reprecccusions. Like, for instance, you don't get a girlfirnes, only wierd gilrs like (edited),,, I an can barely feeeeel my skin, its kinda of coool. Kyle is ccccoool, so is rbb brook and tim. I don't know much about cortney, but she seeems coool to me. I think I'm gettting tiredm, but its hard to telllll. Alisha might apppecitiare this, I'm pretty drunk. I'm I've had 5 drinks, they run out after that. I hope thi s isn't borrrring to read, I should probably edit this to make sure I don't asy say anthying embarrasing. Chiris is moving around, but thts okay, I remember the time I luaghed for an hour, I was beauces I Paul, tah that funnnny SOB, he ran buy me wilth his arms flaling, it was reallly funny, you ( me ( should have beeeen there, but I was, he he..... Its getting really hard to hold up my head, I'm glad Saraq itsn't here,sje sje she would probalbly scrwew things up. I wish Diannana felt the way I do about her, I hate gettin g in new relationships becuase its soooooooo hradsd to tell it your feeeelings are shared by the other person. I can't feeeeel my fingers or face... I hope Jimmmmmy had funnn/ I didn't go to thetea tau agai, is that bad!??? I decided to go with my peeeps insteand, but htat way I would hae more fun, but I dh shoufllfd get theraatata tua U a chance becuawse theyse seeem to like me and you can't just turn you head at thtat,. I don't thin I should call dianannaanana becuawsase it would proabbly be a bad Idea, m she might never talk to me again.. Ben would bprobably agreeee, Hewas a funnny son of bitc toooo. Kyle could be in the halllway, I'nm not sure for sure,,,,, Al lap dance is better when the strippper is cryyyyi;n, I can't decide how ot to find out wethero or not diannnna likes me.. If she does, I will make her reallly reallly hppyyy, bceause I camm am thAT DOS OTRT sort of h guy. I wish she would give me a sign, thats all I ask. she s asked for my pho poen nukmber nukm,bwer numbwer, which might suggest she likes me, but you can't be sure... then, on the h other hand, she never wants to go anwhere with me,.. maybe she wants to s go dance with other guysm, you can't blame her for that, its naturakllll. I All I want is someone who willl like me a loottt. I'm starting to get reallly tiered. Jesse, I'm sorry if this doesn' make much sense, but drunken Jesse hads tried really hard, webn to the basthroom 3 tim4es,, just fore you!/.., I think I'm going to go to bed... Jesseee sober, you should ask out diannna on a date, maybe you should go to a reastraunt, ask someone who knows abouth this do sort of thismng. I ish I could dsf sdfjkdsfhsdjkf.. Anyway, good night anyone who readss his.. standing in lines for a long time sucks, thalk to you later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!